M.a.r.r.i.a.g.e

Our first night together as husband and wife, we lie in each other’s arms after our ecstatic honeymoon gymnastics and say to ourselves: "Now I am happy, now I will live happier ever after, now I will never be alone again, now everything that was wrong with my life will be all better for ever and ever." Marriage is like the ocean, and lying in each other’s arms during our honeymoon, we are gently floating off the coast of Tahiti in warm and calm seas. We bask in each other and all is well in our tropical wonderland. And may this time last forever and ever and ever.

Marriage is the sacred commitment of Love. When we are deeply in Love with another person, we are more than just a person in Love. We are part of a union and one plus one equals one million and one. The idea of a marriage commitment with our true Love impresses our hearts and our lives with the idea of the forever and ever land that we dreamt of as children. And what could be more exquisite than realizing beauty and happiness with a commitment of "until death do us part"?

Eventually, as with the seas in nature, swells begin. Wind and rain and the beginnings of anything from small squalls to full blown hurricanes disrupt our Polynesian fantasy. Marriage, like oceans, is an all inclusive experience; from tender ecstasy to rage and punishment, like the north Atlantic never even dreamt up. We may eventually ask ourselves: "What happened to Tahiti, why am I so miserable, is this what I committed to?"

"I thought that . . . You said that . . . This is not fair . . . I'm unhappy!" And now we enter into the beauty of the loving commitment called marriage.

Let us reiterate and re-understand our sacred vows to each other, or at least how they should have been:

"Do you, beautiful Princess, take this handsome gent to be like yourself, a fully separate individual, able to stand alone in self-worth and independent happiness prior to your union?"

“We do!" (Or you should have.)

"Do you, chivalrous Prince, take your rescued princess, like yourself, to be ever changing and evolving beings devoted to each other as partners in the ongoing profoundment of yourselves and your Love?"

“We do!" (Or you should have.)

“We do"! (Or you should have.)

"Do you, Mr. apple of my eye, hereby accept that I can not MAKE you happy, any more or better than you can MAKE me, the apple of your eye, happy? Any more than we can control the waves on the seas of the oceans?

"Do we, soon to be newlyweds, accept that what we are about to enter into, is the most difficult and most profound learning and growing experience possible here on this chaotic and ecstatic planet?”

“We do!" (Or you should have.)

"Do we hereby accept and resolve to endure and overcome everything from Tahiti to North Sea storms as the ultimate gesture of our Love together, including and especially rage and blame, infidelity and indignation, frigidity and impotence, addiction and instability?”

If our Earth is a classroom for souls, where we spirits come to learn and practice our godliness, then marriage is the ultimate ivy league institution.

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Advanced selfhood and personhood is a hundred times more complex and difficult in a committed Love union than when we are alone. Yet it is one thousand times more fruitful and joyous to share the advancement and evolution of our very selves with our loves as they simultaneous grow, than to be alone.

Marriage is living spirituality in communion everyday. A vibrant and loving marriage 20 years on, is 200 times stronger and more beautiful than even the original feeling of falling in Love, and our depth and growth together expand exponentially every year. This is the sacred container of committed Love as it is intended to be. If our marriage is not fulfilling this level of beauty, it is of course very painful and very complex. Why do they say that love and hate are so closely related? How is it possible to be so hurt and so offended and angry at someone who we have professed to die for days or years before? What do we do when we are mired in years or decades of regrettable memories and pain and intense pride and indignation? How can we move beyond the anger and sadness and confusion in order to finally sever the relationship or rebuild what was previously our ultimate joy?

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Marriage

The first and most important step is to re-interpret marriage as it is designed to be: Marriage is a journey and not a destination. Even the current turmoil and doubt is merely a stop in the voyage and the very thing you vowed to overcome. But it takes both of you. Without both commited it could be time to grieve the loss of the marriage and move on to a truer love.

Next comes heart speak. With indignation and pride (mind speak) standing in the way, pain is frozen and aches indefinitely. The best thing that could happen would be a good strong cry in each other’s arms, and a return to the spots where the Love flowered originally, in your hearts. Once both heart channels are open, it's time to re-interpret the marriage as a growing and changing voyage, one where both people are granted the freedom to question, grieve, challenge, and champion every part of the relationship until it stops being a virtually stagnant iceberg. Eventually the relationship returns again to be a fragile, yet unsinkable raft off the coast of Tahiti, floating around in any weather.

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The last step to renew a marriage is a new set of vows, with a commitment to a life of constant growth and change, not only of each spouse individually but of a sacred new marriage that is given permission to be everything it is meant to be: heaven and hell put together.

Imagine a tumultuous marriage on the brink to be an intensely knotted up ball of yarn. Your marriage is a sacred sweater which is constantly being woven, but no matter how perfect, it will never be completed. No more can be woven until the myriad knots are teased out into the true threads of your situation. The teasing required when two lovers are at odds are feelings, not explanations or justifications. Your muse is at your side as the knots are un- teased and the feelings behind the issues begin to reveal themselves.